My Girlfriend Has An Abortion Scheduled: What Do I Do?

Avail NYC exists to be a safe haven for women and men facing an unexpected pregnancy or seeking support after an abortion. We are not a medical provider.

If your girlfriend has an abortion scheduled, your most pressing thought might be: what do I do? Neither you or your partner may know what to expect. You want to do your part to support her well, but what should that look like? 

Read below to prepare yourself and your girlfriend for the procedure. If you need someone to talk to before or after the abortion, Avail NYC is here.

Before you can support your girlfriend, you need to know the necessary information about abortion. Read up on what to expect during and an after abortion so you can understand what your girlfriend will be going through and encourage her to recover safely. There will be physical and emotional components to your girlfriend’s recovery, but a lot of it will depend on what kind of abortion she gets.

The first kind of abortion is non-surgical or medical, where your girlfriend will receive two sets of pills from her doctor that will induce termination. She may take the first at the doctor’s office and the second at home, and the process takes a few days to be completed. New York State law allows this option up to 10 weeks of pregnancy.

The second kind of abortion is surgical or procedural. This procedure is available up to 24 weeks of pregnancy, or after 24 weeks in certain scenarios in New York. Depending on how far along your girlfriend is, the procedure will look different. 

Even if your girlfriend says that you don’t need to join her at the surgical appointment, most women report they felt deeply alone when no one went to the procedure with them. It can be a very emotional experience, and having you present, even in the waiting room can bring comfort.

One key thing you can do in this situation is initiate conversations with your girlfriend. It’s important to keep open communication while also being patient with what she needs during this physically and emotionally demanding time. You can’t control how she responds, but you can control what you say. 

Here are some important conversations you can have: 



• Keep the conversation serious. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but resist the urge to make a joke or try to cheer her up.  She’ll feel more support knowing you’re willing to be vulnerable or just listen to any mixed feelings she is having.
• Be honest about your own emotions while affirming your support of her. She may feel overwhelmed and conflicted, and even if she doesn’t say it out loud, she wants to know what you think. It can strengthen your relationship and prevent future conflict to tell her honestly how you are processing the situation. Always reassure her that you are committed to working through it with her and that you want to hear her emotions without judgment too.
• Acknowledge that you recognize and empathize with the fact that she has to handle the physical aspect of the procedure. 
• If you’re not sure what to say or do, ask questions. Some good questions are: 
• Would you like me to be there?
• How can I help? 
• What are you feeling?
• Do you have anything you’re worried about?
• Is there anything you want to know about how I feel about this?

If you have a conversation but still disagree with her choice and want to talk about it further, consider suggesting scheduling an appointment with Avail NYC as a couple. Similar to couples therapy, our trained advocates can help you communicate better before the procedure so you're on the same page going into the procedure and can grow closer together rather than begin to grow apart. At Avail NYC, we want to help you flourish as individuals and as a couple no matter what the final decision, and we’re here to facilitate those hard but healthy conversations in a safe space.

Be physically present with your girlfriend before, during, and after the procedure. Your presence matters to her, even if she doesn’t articulate that to you. The best way to support is to simply be there for her.

Most importantly, recognize that even if you and your girlfriend are sure this is what you want, an abortion is a monumental experience that people often remember for a long time afterward. You may not know beforehand how you or your girlfriend will respond to it. 

Not only that, although you’re not the one physically undergoing the procedure, your emotions, concerns, and values are still important. Whatever you're feeling--or if you aren't feeling anything at all--is valid. For example, afterward, you may feel both grief and relief, and that’s normal.

Because abortion can be such a significant event and because your reactions to it matter too, consider finding someone to process the pregnancy and prepare for the abortion with. The medical clinic is focused on the physical aspect of termination, not the emotional aspect, but it’s just as important.  If you don’t have someone in your life to process this with, you can schedule a free, confidential appointment with a male advocate at Avail NYC. Our experienced advocates can equip you with the tools and practical resources you need to support yourself and your girlfriend. 

Lastly, encourage your girlfriend to seek similar support. She may be dealing with complicated emotions, feel nervous for the procedure or the recovery, or end up wanting emotional support afterward. Just like you, it’s important that she has someone safe to talk to about this important decision. You can suggest that she reach out to a female advocate at Avail NYC, emphasizing that you want what’s best for her. Avail has experienced, compassionate female advocates who can walk her through her values to ensure that she is making the most empowered choice for her future. If she has any unresolved feelings after the procedure, Avail NYC also offers free, compassionate resources for post-abortion recovery. 

Avail NYC exists to empower both you and your girlfriend to make the most informed choice and heal after your abortion, if you need it.

Avail NYC exists to be a safe haven for women and men facing an unexpected pregnancy or seeking support after an abortion. We are not a medical provider.