Relationship After Abortion: What If My Partner Doesn’t Want to Talk and I Do?

Avail NYC exists to be a safe haven for women and men facing an unexpected pregnancy or seeking support after an abortion. We are not a medical provider.

Abortion is a significant event for both the woman and the man in a relationship, and it impacts every person differently. When you begin to navigate life and your relationship after an abortion, you may find that tension arises because either you or your partner want to talk about it and the other doesn't. Regardless of which camp you fall into, read on for some tips for approaching both situations, and know that Avail NYC offers free relationship and post-abortion services if you want them.

First, it's important to note that you can feel relief and grief, and many other different emotions, all at once. One or both of you may be processing contradictory emotions, and that can lead to stress in your relationship, especially if you or your partner don’t know how to articulate these complex feelings.

Not only are emotions tricky to process and express, even on the best of days, but communication difficulties often arise because an abortion is an inherently unequal experience. As Erika Krull, a licensed mental health practitioner, explains, “only one person can have the procedure, which creates an uneven experience for a couple.” This understandably can create tension in a relationship, but it is possible to navigate healthy communication during this time. 

If you want to talk about the abortion and your partner doesn't, it's understandable you may feel upset. You want to feel supported and unified after this decision. Talking things through in a respectful manner is an important part of healthy relationships. 

At the same time, remember that everyone processes things differently and has different communication styles. Often when someone has difficulty tackling hard conversations, they may inadvertently make light of the situation with jokes or avoid talking about it, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t have feelings. It might actually mean they believe they’re helping you by keeping those feelings hidden.

Consider giving your partner some space and time before bringing up a conversation--even if it takes a bit longer than you’d prefer. Then see if you can agree on a time when you will sit down to honestly talk about it together. That way you can both prepare for the conversation. You don't need to worry about it coming up at the time when one of you isn’t ready.

When you finally have the conversation, here are some tips to helping your partner open up and be willing to talk:

• Reassure your partner that you care about their perspective and the relationship.
• Practice reflective listening. Although you may feel emotions rising in response to what your partner says, try to clarify what they are thinking and feeling before you react. For example, say things like, “I hear you saying… Is this accurate?” and “When you say…, do you mean...?” 
• Instead of accusing, express your emotions. Tell your partner how you’re feeling and how their words are making you feel without assuming motives. Start by assuming good about your partner, and remind yourself throughout the conversation that they may be dealing with confusing emotions too and may struggle to say them.



Regardless of how the conversation goes, Avail NYC is here with after-abortion support group if you want help processing your emotions. As important as it is to talk to your partner, there are aspects of having an abortion that might be easier to process with others who have had similar experiences. Avail NYC offers support groups for women, separately in its After Abortion program, and you can join in person or online. 

If you are the one that doesn’t want to talk about the abortion, but your partner does, your feelings are valid. Whether your abortion experience was easy or difficult, you may not want to bring it up. But it impacts your partner's life too, and talking about it can be good for your relationship. Support goes both ways--you should never feel forced to talk about or do something you don't want to, but having a conversation about an important decision that impacts both of you is a way to show love and care for your relationship. 

Here are some things to keep in mind about the conversation that may make it feel more approachable: 



• Agree on a time to have it so that you can prepare and it won't catch you by surprise at a bad moment.
• Remember that it doesn't have to be a long conversation, and you can set boundaries at the beginning about how long you want to talk.
• At the end, you can establish whether you want to follow up with the conversation and if so, when.
• Beforehand, consider journaling your thoughts about the experience. Not only will journaling help you personally process things, but it can also help clarify what you want to say and how to say it. You can even write out some notes for yourself.
• If someone else in your life knows about the abortion, consider practicing with them how you want to talk about it.
• Be clear about your emotions, especially at the beginning. For example, “This conversation makes me feel scared because…” or “This conversation is hard for me. I’m not sure why, and that makes me feel…”

Most importantly, if you are scared to have a conversation with your partner because you feel unsafe, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).

Respecting each other's emotional needs and communication desires at this time is crucial. This can be hard to do for many reasons, which is why Avail NYC offers free relationship coaching for men and women as well as post-abortion support groups so you can process your emotions in a safe space.

Avail NYC exists to be a safe haven for women and men facing an unexpected pregnancy or seeking support after an abortion. We are not a medical provider.