Dealing with Grief After Abortion

Avail NYC exists to be a safe haven for women and men facing an unexpected pregnancy or seeking support after an abortion. We are not a medical provider.

Most people who had an abortion report making their decision very quickly, sometimes in the matter of just a few hours or days. Others take weeks and weigh all their options. Regardless of the timeline, once a decision is made it’s normal for people to try to put their emotions on the back burner, telling themselves it will be over soon and focusing on just getting through the procedure. Unfortunately, many people don't realize that new waves of feelings often arise following the procedure, especially if you haven't dealt with your emotions throughout the process.

Some of these new feelings that arise can seem contradictory, like relief and sadness. One of those emotions could be grief. You can feel this even if you don’t regret your decision at all. Read on to learn common emotional and relational responses after abortion procedures.

Emotional Response to Abortion

Following an abortion, you could experience a wave of various emotions. These emotions sometimes look like anger or just deep sadness with no apparent reason.

Perhaps in the past, you were able to make everybody laugh and have a good time. However, now your friends are noticing and remarking that you don't seem to be yourself and seem to be more serious. Sometimes grief even looks like losing the motivation to get out of bed. The good news is you're not alone in these feelings.

Many women in a 2021 study reported significant emotions after a pregnancy loss, and for many of them, these emotions arose a year or more later. If you are experiencing different emotions immediately after the abortion, or if they are surfacing months or years later, you are not alone. However, the good news is that you can find the healing and resilience needed to move forward and get back to where you were. It's just going to take a little bit of work first to acknowledge that you're grieving.

Post Relationship Grief

Many of us assume that grieving only happens when you lose someone you knew deeply and spent a lot of time with. With pregnancy loss, however, this isn't the case.

In this scenario, you haven't really known anyone or anything, but there's also another level of grief that affects young people more than most: the grief over what could have been or the “what-if.” Grieving what could have been, what you hope for in the future, or maybe even the lack of support you wish you’d had, is common to feel and completely valid.

For example, many single individuals, apart from an unexpected pregnancy or abortion, often report that after a breakup they have severe, deep grieving, even though they don't miss the person. Why is that? You are grieving over the loss of what could have been: plans you had in your mind; timelines you were counting on for your future to happen at a certain point but didn't happen; or things didn't turn out the way that you wanted it to.

All the above are present and valid indications of grief.

What Can You Do to Begin Acknowledging Your Grief?

Acknowledge your emotions and share them with somebody close to you. If you don't have a person like that, especially since abortion is so stigmatized, you need a safe place or support group. That's why Avail exists, to provide that safe place because many of us have been there, and we don't want you to go through this alone. Our expert advocates can talk to you in free, confidential, one-on-one sessions, offering a compassionate listening ear and practical tools for emotional health. They can also connect you to Avail’s After Abortion Support group, where other women who are in the same situation can process their experiences together.

Changes in Your Relationship After an Abortion

Not all romantic relationships are the same after an abortion. Many times there can be more distance in the relationship.  If couples aren’t on the same page about the decision or don’t communicate well, it can even lead to a break up.

If that’s your relationship, or you’re also grieving a break up, Avail also offers post-abortion support for couples and one-on-one appointments for men who are grieving their partner’s abortion on their own. Whether you are still together as a couple or no longer in a relationship, our male client advocates bring the unique perspective of what men need in this process as well. 

Avail NYC exists to be a safe haven for women and men facing an unexpected pregnancy or seeking support after an abortion. We are not a medical provider.