My Friend Just Told Me She Is Unexpectedly Pregnant: How Do I Best Support Her?

Avail NYC exists to be a safe haven for women and men facing an unexpected pregnancy or seeking support after an abortion. We are not a medical provider.

Almost half of all pregnancies are unexpected. So, most people will have at least one friend that is unexpectedly pregnant.

Birth control isn’t one hundred percent effective, or maybe it wasn’t used. For whatever reason, they happen more often than many realize. The “how” isn’t as crucial as helping her decide the next move.

How to Help an Unexpectedly Pregnant Friend

A good place to start is to be positive and not judgmental. Your job right now is to be a good friend. If possible, be there for her in person or on a video call. Texting, while convenient, is somewhat cold. It is hard to sense context and emotion via a text, too.

Being there in person allows you to interpret her body language and better understand how she is taking this news. It also means she has a hand to hold.

Don’t Make Assumptions

Part of being a good friend means listening. Don’t assume you know what she is feeling, even if you have had an unexpected pregnancy yourself.

If she is not telling you how she feels, then ask. Having someone ask her how she feels about being pregnant may help her organize her thoughts about it. Verbally processing information in response to one or two questions can help her move past the shock and adjust to the news.

Don’t Make Comparisons

Don’t tell her stories about what you did when you or someone else was pregnant. That may make her feel like her feelings are not valid if they are different.

Instead, let her do the talking and be an active listener. Active listening means giving the person you are talking to your full attention. For example, nod your head and repeat what she is saying so she knows you hear her. Offer feedback if she wants it; otherwise, just listen.

Respect Her Privacy

Understand that this is her story to tell. If she wants other people to know, she will tell them. You should not decide to share this news for her unless she asks you to do that. You can offer to be there when she tells family members if she needs support.

Also, avoid talking about her pregnancy with others when she is not there. Again, this is her story and not gossip fodder. Let her tell it her way.

How to Offer to Support the Right Way

Offering support means letting her make the choices and supporting that decision. It also may mean lending a helping hand as needed. For example, she will need to confirm her unexpected pregnancy. Home tests are very accurate, but a positive result doesn’t mean the pregnancy is viable.

The first step is to see a healthcare provider and get an ultrasound to verify the validity of the pregnancy. First and foremost, this is a health issue. An ectopic pregnancy would still give her a positive reading on a home test. It takes an ultrasound to know that the embryo will not cause an emergency situation.

A good friend might offer to make an appointment for her to get confirmation of the pregnancy and an ultrasound. You might also offer to come with her to the appointment, so you can be a support system. 

She may also try to avoid the issue and put it off. Offering to make the appointment for her helps her take that critical first step. 

What to Say to a Friend Who's Unexpectedly Pregnant

It is difficult to know what to say to a friend who is unexpectedly pregnant. A better question might be, what shouldn’t you say? Often the first words out of someone’s mouth in this scenario is, “How did you let that happen?”

The truth is it is not any of your business how it happened, and it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. That question is a knee-jerk response to the news, and you should try replacing it with questions like “How can I best support you?” or “What would be most helpful for you right now?” 

Don’t Express Your Emotion

Also, avoid showing emotion until you know how she feels about the pregnancy. “That’s great news!” may be the last thing she needs to hear right now. Hugging her and congratulating her on the news may be traumatic.

You should also not show anger or sadness. Don’t say, "What about college?" or remind her that she has just got that new job.

Wait to express yourself until you know what she feels beyond shock. Instead, you might say something like, “I know this is unexpected; how do you feel?”

Don’t Tell Her How to Feel

“You should be really happy. A baby is so fun.” She may have other plans for her life at this point. She may think more about a baby getting in the way of her dreams. Being happy for her won’t automatically make her happy, too.

Don’t Tell Her What She Should Do About It

It is also essential to understand that whatever the next step is, it is her step to take. You should not try to push her in one direction or another. Your role is strictly one of support.

Don’t be vague about the support you offer, though. The casual “Let me know if I can do anything for you” isn’t enough. Ask, "Should I make an appointment for you to get checked out and verify your pregnancy?" Once she knows she is pregnant and that it is viable, you can sit with her, help her digest the information available and then let her decide what to do next. A good friend will help her find what she needs to move forward.

At Avail NYC, we offer personal support. Our compassionate advocates can sit with her and help her find the resources she needs, including scheduling an appointment to confirm the pregnancy or discussing her options

Avail NYC exists to be a safe haven for women and men facing an unexpected pregnancy or seeking support after an abortion. We are not a medical provider.

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