Navigating Blame-Shifting in Relationships

Avail NYC exists to be a safe haven for women and men facing an unexpected pregnancy or seeking support after an abortion. We are not a medical provider.

Everyone deserves healthy relationships built on mutual respect, emotional safety, and a desire for mutual understanding.

This blog explores the destructive dynamics of blame-shifting, highlights its relevance to these situations, and offers tools to help you protect your emotional well-being, gain clarity, and seek the support you need and deserve.

What is Blame-Shifting?

Blame-shifting is a manipulative tactic that undermines emotional intimacy and safety in a relationship. 

Have you ever attempted to raise a reasonable complaint, concern, or hurt, and suddenly, your partner twisted the conversation around, making you the one at fault? The offender’s motivation is to avoid accountability and responsibility by deflecting blame onto the innocent person. It often involves lying, denying, and manipulating the truth to maintain control and power. Essentially, it’s “blaming the victim.”

Blame-shifting distorts the truth and blocks the victim’s voice, making victims doubt themselves while they are placed on the hot seat, feeling they need to defend themselves. In circumstances like an unexpected pregnancy or a past abortion, blame-shifting can be especially painful.

For example:

• A partner may blame you for the emotional or financial strain caused by an unplanned pregnancy in an attempt to reduce or remove the offender’s responsibility in the situation.
• They might accuse you of selfishness or insensitivity for past decisions, rewriting your story to focus on your supposed shortcomings while the offender avoids accountability for their behavior.

Manipulation and unkindness, such as blame-shifting, can erode foundations of trust and care, leaving you confused, invalidated, overwhelmed, powerless, and stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and emotional distress.

Blame-shifting can be devastating, particularly for women navigating complex and deeply personal challenges like an unexpected pregnancy or the emotional aftermath of a past abortion experience. These moments can bring vulnerability, and when a partner responds with unkindness or manipulation, it compounds the difficulty.

DARVO: A Common Pattern

Blame-shifting often follows the DARVO pattern:

• Deny: The abuser denies any wrongdoing.
• Attack: They shift blame to the victim, accusing them of causing the problem.
• Reverse Victim and Offender: The abuser reframes themselves as the victim while casting the actual victim as the offender.

For example, when confronted about harmful behavior, an abuser might say:

• “I wouldn’t have done that if you weren’t always criticizing me.”

This tactic manipulates the victim and can also confuse outsiders, such as therapists, friends, or family, who, if uneducated on abusive dynamics, may mistakenly side with the abuser.

The Purpose of Blame-Shifting

Blame-shifting serves to:

• Maintain control: The abuser keeps you in a downgraded position where you feel responsible for “fixing” the relationship.
• Avoid accountability: Deflecting blame allows the abuser to avoid their part in conflicts.
• Cause confusion: Repeated blame-shifting undermines your sense of reality, leaving you unsure of what’s true.
  

Recognizing Blame-Shifting

Blame-shifting is rarely a standalone behavior. It often overlaps with other covert tactics, such as:

1. Deflection

The abuser changes the topic or brings up irrelevant issues, often redirecting the conversation to the victim’s supposed faults. For example:

• “What about the time you embarrassed me in front of my friends?”
  

2. Projection

The abuser accuses the victim of the very behavior the offender is guilty of. For instance:

• “You’re always so angry,” while they ignore their own contributing actions and contempt towards you or rage.
  

3. Gaslighting

The abuser rewrites the narrative, causing the victim to doubt their memory or perspective. Gaslighting might include false accusations or twisting events to make the victim seem responsible for things they aren’t responsible for.

4. Scapegoating

The abuser misrepresents the victim’s actions or motives to others, such as family or friends, creating a smear campaign to isolate and discredit the victim.

The Emotional Toll of Blame-Shifting

Blame-shifting undermines the victim’s sense of self, leading to:

• Self-doubt and cognitive dissonance: Victims may gaslight themselves, believing the abuser might be right despite knowing otherwise. They often feel confused, doubt their perceptions, and are unsure of their reality.
• Emotional distress: Anxiety, depression, mood swings, and difficulty regulating emotions are common effects. The constant blame can lead to mental health struggles.
• Isolation: Feelings of guilt and shame may discourage victims from seeking help, leaving them feeling alone and defeated.

When blame-shifting occurs repeatedly, victims may develop Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD) or Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) due to ongoing psychological harm. And if victims reach out for help and are dismissed or disbelieved, the trauma is exacerbated. This is called Double Abuse®, which adds another layer of harm to an already painful situation.

Steps to Respond to Blame-Shifting

If you are facing an unexpected pregnancy, support is available. Whether you’re considering an adoption or just wanting to explore and weigh your options, talking with a personal advocate at Avail NYC can offer clarity, resources, and connections for your next steps. Get support today.

1. Trust Your Instincts

Reclaim your reality. Pay attention to your physical reactions when blame-shifting occurs. Your body will give you signals even if your mind is slow to catch up, such as a pit in your stomach or a racing heart.

2. Recognize the Behavior

Spend some time familiarizing yourself with blame-shifting tactics such as DARVO, deflection, and projection. Learning in advance to recognize these covert behaviors will help you regulate your emotions and process what happened accurately to your situation. Not understanding these behaviors will leave you feeling blindsided, confused, and easily manipulated.

3. Document Incidents

Journal what was said to keep a record of incidents. This will help you maintain clarity and counter false narratives. Documenting how it made you feel in your body is also helpful, as it can provide clarity and validation.

4. Set Boundaries

If your physical safety is not a concern, define what you will and won’t tolerate, and communicate your boundaries assertively. For example:

• “I will not engage in conversations where I am being unfairly blamed.”

If boundaries are repeatedly crossed, limiting or ending contact may be necessary to protect your emotional safety.

5. Avoid Explaining, Projection, or Denial

Trying to explain these concepts to an abuser is usually unproductive. Focus on protecting your well-being, educating yourself, and finding self-love instead of seeking validation from someone unwilling to take accountability. Making the mistake of seeking to be soothed by the same person harming your relationship doesn’t make good sense.

6. Seek Help and Support

Sharing your experiences with a trusted friend, counselor, or support group can help you process your emotions and gain perspective.

For professional help, seek a therapist or counselor who is well-trained in emotional and psychological abuse, especially related to pregnancy and abortion. Interview them before you hire them. Click here for more information on How to Choose a Therapist.

Build a support network of trusted friends, family, or support groups who understand and validate the victim’s experiences.

Finding Hope and Healing

Connect with Avail NYC and utilize their resources:

• Personal Advocate: Avail NYC offers personal advocates who provide confidential, compassionate support tailored to each individual’s unique situation. 100% free.
• Navigating Relationships: Avail NYC can help navigate relationships, offering guidance and resources to deal with blame-shifting and other challenges.
• Referral to Partners: Avail NYC can refer individuals to a network of partners, like The MEND Project, for specialized support.

You are not alone!

A personal advocate at Avail NYC can help you navigate your situation and refer you to trusted partners like us at The MEND Project. The MEND Project offers resources and courses to help victims gain clarity and understand the painful relationship dynamics they are experiencing, recognize manipulative behaviors, and begin the healing process.

Talk to Your Advocate About Tools for Healing

If you're processing a difficult relationship or past experiences, you're not alone. Your advocate is here to walk with you and provide insight into helpful tools that can support your healing.

Consider asking them about the following resources from The MEND Project:

• Downloadable Guides: Ask your advocate about the Terms + Definitions, Pillars of Abuse, What is Original Abuse?, and What is Double Abuse? handouts. These resources can help you better understand the dynamics of relational harm and healing.
• Self-Paced Course: Explore The MEND Project’s self-guided course to deepen your understanding at your own pace.

You deserve relationships built on respect and emotional safety. Healing is possible with the right tools, support, and a compassionate advocate by your side.



Avail NYC exists to be a safe haven for women and men facing an unexpected pregnancy or seeking support after an abortion. We are not a medical provider.

About the Author

Annette Oltmans is a philanthropist and human rights advocate dedicated to addressing covert emotional abuse. Her personal experiences and extensive research led her to found The MEND Project in 2016. 

She developed training models now used by therapists, churches, and organizations nationwide. Annette serves on the boards of Pepperdine University’s Boone Center for the Family and Northrise University and has been published in AACC, Teen Vogue, and more.

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