Navigating Relationship Resentment After an Abortion

Avail NYC exists to be a safe haven for women and men facing an unexpected pregnancy or seeking support after an abortion. We are not a medical provider.

Nina's Story

Nina looked at her hands, they wouldn’t stop shaking, no matter how she told herself to “pull it together.” Her head hurt. John was talking but the words weren’t landing. The voice in her head was screaming “Your life is over. We’re pregnant.” The timing was all wrong. This... was... not... the plan!

John felt weak. “Pregnant... Jeeze!” The word was bouncing around his brain like a grenade just seconds before exploding. “Don’t be a jerk”, his heart scolded. “But we aren’t ready for this. I can’t believe this is happening.” He sighed deeply, “I just can’t be a dad, this wasn’t how things were supposed to go. I thought she was on birth control, she’s so careless!”

Nina tuned back in to see John wearing the carpet thin pacing back and forth across their tiny apartment. Her thoughts all over, “I always wanted to be a mother and have a family, I really love John, I’m so afraid, I am not ready for this. What do I really want and what does John really want? I don't want saddle him with an unwanted kid. Why didn't he use a condom? How could he be so reckless with our future?”

Suddenly John paused his endless pacing and came over to Nina. With his eyes focused on her, she looked up hopeful and pleading that he would tell her it would all be ok. That maybe they could be good parents or that he’d be there for the abortion to take care of her. All the while silently telegraphing... “please just tell me what to do”. John began “you know I love you right, and even though this wasn't the plan...

Whatever YOU decide... I'll support you.”

The dam broke and the tears came despite her will. Everything faded to black, hope retreated, and

Nina’s heart whispered, “You're on your own girl.”

You're Not Alone

A study published in the CMA journal in 1974 found that of the 1500 participants, 56% of the pregnancies were unplanned. Fast forward to 2023, and according to the US Department of Health and Human Services “Nearly half of pregnancies in the United States are unintended and unintended pregnancy is linked to many negative outcomes for both the woman and the infant.”

But what about relationships? How do you navigate the profound mixed emotions that range from “connection through shared grief or relief” to “eroding trust and bitterness” that often collide when facing an unintended pregnancy? The impact of an unexpected pregnancy and abortion can vary from person to person and look quite different from one relationship to the next.

Make Room for Reactions

When the weight of an unexpected pregnancy settles there are a host of reactions and responses people experience. They are generally divided along emotive and logical or practical distinctions. For example:

The Emotional:

• Fear and dread
• Grief and sadness
• Guilt and shame
• Relief or ambivalence
• Peace or contentment
• Happiness and excitement

The Logical or Practical:

• Socio-economic constraints
• Geographical or housing status
• Age, stage of life, maturity
• Pre-existing children or previous pregnancy losses
• Historical desires or discussions around family and future
• External connections, family and/or social support available
• Religious, societal and cultural pressures
• Health/trajectory of the relationship pre-pregnancy
• Physical Health or disease burden
• Psychological preparedness and capacity

This is a lot to process through on your own. So, let’s imagine two people independently navigating this complicated web and then needing to find points of intersection and compromise. Now do this gracefully. During a time fraught with emotional levity, stress and the potential for life-changing impact. It should be no wonder that communication struggles, alignment disintegrates, and offenses present easily.

Post-Abortion Resentment

At Avail, one common concern we encounter with clients post abortion is partner resentment.

Merriam Webster defines resentment as a feeling of inordinate displeasure or persistent ill will towards something regarded as wrong, an insult or injury. The impact of abortion can be incredibly significant for couples. Some couples get through the experience with resilience and mutual support while others may face emotional challenges and lasting relational difficulties.

Take John and Nina above, it's clear that they both are processing independently of each other internally. They are going through a host of different emotions and thoughts. However, neither is being particularly transparent with the other. Perhaps it’s because they're not even sure what they really feel yet. Maybe they're afraid of what the other will say if they are truly honest about their desires. Or it could be that historically in their relationship, hard conversations were simply avoided. However, when under significant emotional stress it is very difficult to step outside of what you are experiencing.

Highly charged moments leave us vulnerable. They increase the likelihood of taking offense to dissenting opinions, and conflict can result in feeling misunderstood, silenced, wounded, or even violated. Which can make it more difficult to express empathy for your partner, to offer grace and forgiveness, or to provide room for that person to process in the way that serves them best. Particularly when you’re hurting or really need them. This creates the perfect soil from which offenses are planted and resentments can grow.

Challenges that can lead to post abortion resentment in relationships are:

• Communication: Poor or underdeveloped communication skills
• Incongruence: Differences in views on abortion or family planning
• Contradictory emotions: Experiencing both joy and fear, panic and regret, or relief and grief at the same time
• Alienation: Lack of desired support or engagement from your partner
• Capacity: Different levels, skills, or coping strategies for managing stress and navigating difficult circumstances
  

Resentment's Toxic Impact

Resentment can have a profound and often corrosive effect on relationships. It generally stems from unaddressed grievances, unmet expectations or unresolved conflicts and can lead to severe, pervasive, and negative outcomes for the couple.

• Devolving Communication: Harboring resentment for your partner can create resistance to sharing, passivity or engaging in negative or cutting patterns of speaking.
• Lack of Empathy: Resentment destroys empathy. There is something about resentment that dehumanizes the other. It can make it more difficult to see their pain or perspective and assume the worst.
• Withdrawal: Resentment can cause emotional withdrawal or distance. It can lead to your partner no longer feeling safe emotionally and sometimes physically. Emotional intimacy stagnates and connection suffers.
• Erosion of Trust: Trust is a firm foundation from which healthy relationships thrive. Resentment picks away at the confidence you may have had in your partner. Making it hard to feel secure and eroding trust.
• Increased Conflict: Unresolved resentment can cause even more conflict and escalate their intensity. Small issues become magnified by underlying bitterness and your relationship becomes a battleground.
  

Facing Resentment

“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” - Brené Brown

Resentment festers when the truth is deferred. It can be difficult to have hard conversations. It can be scary to expose yourself to someone and be vulnerable. Nonetheless, it is imperative for the health of your relationship that resentment is addressed. Resentment can lead to rumination and holding of offenses. It is important that you work to understand each other and resolve issues collaboratively.

Tips for healing from resentment:

• Make time and room for healthy discourse
• Acknowledge and name your truth and emotions
• Express your pain without assigning blame
• Listen to understand not respond
• Allow time to process and analyze shared feelings
• Lead with love and kindness
• Own your part – especially when you’re not the best version of yourself
• Work towards forgiving your partner and ask for forgiveness
• Community support where appropriate – a mentor, a healthy couple, support groups or religious leader
• Consider professional support if needed – therapy, couples counseling
  

From Well-Intentioned to Resentment

Like Nina and John, men and women manage stress, feel emotions and grieve differently. They process trauma and challenges through very unique lenses. As a result, an unexpected pregnancy can illuminate or bring these differences to the forefront. When a man finds out his partner is pregnant there are a host of thoughts and emotions experienced.

Obviously, these are dependent on the person. Nonetheless, far too often we hear men offer the well-intentioned, well-meaning line “whatever you decide, I'll support you,” believing that they're being helpful. That they are honoring the autonomy and individuality of their partner. That this is the socially acceptable and expected response.

Conversely, we hear countless women say that this does not feel supportive at all. That they would appreciate a firm opinion even if it differs from their own. Women have reported feeling that this answer absolves their partner of the weight of the decision. That they instead would love some direction, reassurance or clarity in their partner’s stance, beliefs, and actual desires. Many of our couples’ post-abortion, had they dared to be more transparent, may have made different decisions or had far less resentment afterwards.

This reflects how easy it is for resentments to take root, perception vs reality, beliefs vs needs, alienation vs honesty. A well-meaning gesture, a sideways look, an off comment or “whatever you decide”, could lay the foundation for misunderstanding and resentment. However, when we dare to be brave and get really real and raw with each other, we begin the weighty and worthy challenge of being in relationship with each other. There is no shortcut, “healing is hard work” and “the only way out is through.”

Support is Available

If you're facing resentments in your relationship create a safe space where your partner can share their truth and you can share yours. Listen well as you honor the courage to heal the wounds between you and if needed enlist the support of wise counsel. The silence of resentment speaks volumes and creates wounds that require the balm of trust and forgiveness.

Talking with a Personal Advocate at Avail can help, too. Processing a past abortion experience can help you navigate. If you and your partner are comfortable, consider joining the appointment together - just let your advocate know. Compassionate, non-judgmental support is available.

Avail NYC exists to be a safe haven for women and men facing an unexpected pregnancy or seeking support after an abortion. We are not a medical provider.

About the Author

Dèitra (Dee) R. serves as the Hope Director at Avail NYC. With a Master's degree, she's the go-to person in her circle for a sturdy shoulder in tough situations. She’s here to show love and listen to those who need an ear. With an open heart and a virtual hug, her style kinda feels like home or the good friend you didn't know you needed. She’d love to walk with you through the challenges and successes.

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